It's a Disease People...

I am trying hard to keep with my promise of one blog posting a week. I have been thinking about trying to find a part time job blogging. I don’t know how I can expect to make any money blogging if I have a hard time coming up with one a week much less 3 or 4 a week like most places want.

I spent a few hours this morning reading a couple of addiction blogs on different blogging websites. There was one in particular that I had to read twice. It was very short and I still don’t know the point. I’m the last one to criticize someone else’s writing but it was obvious this person didn’t have a clue about addiction. The general gist of the blog was how addiction, alcohol, drug and other substances, costs the U.S. millions in healthcare costs. It also attempted to describe how addiction affected people of various backgrounds. The description was one sentence, about a dozen words, long.

I couldn’t hold my tongue, so I had to post a comment. I explained that it was true that addiction did cost taxpayers millions in healthcare costs annually (probably billions, actually) and that addiction knows no social or economic boundaries. I also explained that it was a disease and not the work of drug or drink crazed individuals who didn’t give a damn about themselves or who they hurt in their quest to get smashed.

While I was making my comments, I realized that I never used to think of addiction as a disease. Until I became a full fledged addict I never thought about what made us use. I can remember, during one of my withdrawal episodes, telling my girlfriend at the time that I was sick. I was sick. Throwing up, chills, diarrhea – of course she thought I was sick. Maybe I had the flu or some type of stomach bug. Little did she know that I had a sickness that antibiotics or Pepto-Bismol wouldn’t cure.

The idea of addiction being a disease is something that I have to explain to my family and friends. I was talking with a friend who I had spoken to since I began my recovery. She had no idea I was an addict or that I was in recovery. I gave the URL to this blog so she could read for herself what was going on with me. When she finished, she apologized for not seeing the signs or doing something to help me. I explained that at that time, there wasn’t anything she or anyone else could have done to help me. I also explained that I couldn’t do anything to control what I was doing. That is the power of our disease. That is the insanity of it all. We would do things that, looking back now, were some of the most stupid, ass-hole, f**ked up things that somebody could do. At the time it made sense. The addiction disease demon would justify it and it made sense to us.

I can remember cashing a check for an amount that was far more than I had in my checking account. Today I would never think of bouncing a check, for no amount of money. Back then it was fine for me to bounce a check for $50 or $60 dollars. Never mind that it would eventually cost me $150. It was a means to an end. I had a very nice digital camera. The dope man got it for pennies on the dollar. The same thing for my video camera. And my GPS. All of it went for just a few pills. Not even enough to get me through the day. It makes me sick thinking about it now.

If those actions are not of someone who has some type of sickness, then I don’t know what is. So far the only cure that I have found is meetings, meetings, service work, belief in my High Power, meetings, my sponsor, the incredible support network that I have including my beloved fiancé and meetings. Did I mention meetings?

This morning I updated my status on FaceBook as having writer’s block. I think I have worked around it for the time being. At this rate, I may get two postings in this week.

Until next time…

FaceBook and egos – a dangerous combination…

I’ve made a promise to myself that I will make at least one blog entry each week. In my last blog, I mentioned that my blogging helped me as part of my recovery. To be honest, I’ve slacked off a bit. Like so many other people in recovery, I have gotten to the point that I think I am fine and I can handle this thing myself.

The comments that Abbie made about my last blog kind of stirred me up a bit, but in a good way. The last few weeks, I’ve let my ego get in the way. I have been the big and bad recovering addict. Things are great and I am just fine on my own. Yeah, right. Just because things are going good and I am clicking off the days and weeks in my sobriety, I can not get complacent. Just as soon as I do, my addiction will jump up and bite me on the ass.

Thanks Abbie for pointing that out to me!

I’ve been doing the FaceBook thing for the last few weeks. I had set up a profile back last year sometime and only played around with it a time or two. For some reason a couple of weeks ago, I logged on and was shocked at the number of friend requests that I had. As it stands now, I have reconnected with about two dozen of my high school classmates along with people I haven’t talked to in years. I went to a small school and knew nearly everyone in my graduating class. It just amazes me how much time some people put into updating their status and sending messages back and forth.

For the first few days of being active on FaceBook, I updated my status like 5 or 6 times a day. It was pretty cool in the beginning but as the newness wore off, it seemed pointless to let people know that I had just finished eating supper and had indigestion or I was just waking up and drinking my first cup of coffee.

Tonight I sat down at the computer and went through my usual routine of checking email, looking at NASCAR.com to see Sunday’s race lineup and updating my FaceBook status. When I read Abbie’s comments, it dawned on me that I made the time to do something pointless like letting people know that I just got home from work but I couldn’t take 10 minutes to blog.

So I guess I can sum up this rambling in just one word – Priorities.

It goes right back to that ego. I don’t feel the need to blog; to work on my recovery, but I can do something as pointless as let people know my choice of bathroom reading material.

I’m fine. I got this thing beat. Yeah right.

Hang on a second, someone’s tapping me on the shoulder – oh shit, it’s my addiction. I had better get back on track. It doesn’t need to be behind me, it needs to be in front of me so I can keep my eye on it.

Thanks Abbie for hitting me over the head with that ugly 3 letter word. Oh, by the way, I did call my sponsor. He’s getting pretty smart these days. He’s telling me what I need to do and not letting me do what I want.

One a week. That’s my goal. Talk to you all next week.

To Justify or Not to Justify: How to Keep Your Conscious From Bothering You (you hope!!)

After much aggravation, frustration and cussing, my Internet connection is up and running again. Thanks to those who read my last blog from the other day and sent messages. It was great to see people react to my story like they did. At least I know someone is reading this stuff. Sorry that I wasn’t able to respond to each one of those messages, but with my Internet connection being crappy, I had a hard time checking my email; much less add to my blog.

I know that my story is pretty much like everyone’s on some level. We all lost so much when our addiction started running our lives. When I was at the pinnacle of my addiction, I was completely obsessed with getting more and more pills. Every waking minute of every day was spent thinking up ways that I could trick some doctor or how I could make a quick buck so I could buy something from my dealer.

When I fist started taking pills I was married, had a beautiful daughter and a nice home. While the reason we divorced was not directly related to my addiction, it did play a small part. When I am using, I justify so many things to myself. Also when I am using, I do things that normally I wouldn’t, such as take money from our account and hide it so I could buy pills or steal pills from family and friends. When I would take money, to soothe my guilty conscious, I would justify it in my mind by thinking it was my money to begin with, not thinking about the money was supposed to be for the lights or groceries. When I stole pills I would justify it by saying so and so would have given me some if I had asked. I would convince myself that they had said it was OK. Many times I have looked in the bathroom mirror, after I had done something particular shady, and not recognized the face staring back at me. Sounds like a touch of schizophrenia, doesn’t it? I’ve asked myself “What am I doing?” so many times but I had never gotten an answer. These days I recognize that reflection and I know exactly what I am doing.

I find myself still trying to justify things that I shouldn’t do. These days its not drugs, it's should I buy that cool new electronic gadget now or wait until it goes on sale? You know, when working Step Eight, I had to have 3 sheets of paper to make sure I included everyone that I harmed. There weren’t too many folks in my little world that I didn’t hurt in some way. It may have been easier to make a list of those who I did not harm.

To change the subject a bit, I am going to an A.A. retreat this weekend. Not only will it be A.A, but N.A. and C.A. will be represented too. In a way I am looking forward to it, but in a way I’m not. I’m not too fond of the idea of sharing a cabin with 7 total strangers. They say it’s a good way to meet new people and increase your network. I may wind up getting a hotel room (if there is one close by). I attended our regular Thursday night meeting tonight. I hate it when the speaker is unprepared. Tonight he read out of the Big Book for 15 minutes, and then said that we were going to have an open discussion. What sense does that make when you just read something and you don’t even comment on it.

I have to keep reminding myself that some of the people here aren’t the sharpest knifes in the drawer. ‘Here’ is a residential recovery program in Metro Atlanta. I’ve been here for about 5 ½ months. I’m mandated by the courts to be in this program for 12 months. So I am not quite half way finished. It’s not too bad now. I have a full time job, live with 2 great friends and pretty much come and go as I please. And of course, I am staying clean and sober. This place has taken away all desire to use. Actually, I did it myself. This place isn’t a program in the sense of having counselors, doctors and other trained staff. Here is proved a safe, sober environment where you can get connected to the rooms of recovery. For me I needed to get away from the small town where I grew up. I had so many contacts that I almost never went without pills. Here in Atlanta, I don’t know a soul and I really don’t want to.

This ends another installment of “THOUGHTS ON NOTHING”. I hope that I didn’t bore you all to death. I will not be posting anything this weekend because I’ll be at the retreat. I should be full of new stories when I get back on Sunday night. Please keep sending those responses in. Tell me your story, share those burning desires you might have or what ever you feel like sharing. Thanks again, and I promise to try and respond to your comments.