Saturday, February 28, 2009

FaceBook and egos – a dangerous combination…

I’ve made a promise to myself that I will make at least one blog entry each week. In my last blog, I mentioned that my blogging helped me as part of my recovery. To be honest, I’ve slacked off a bit. Like so many other people in recovery, I have gotten to the point that I think I am fine and I can handle this thing myself.

The comments that Abbie made about my last blog kind of stirred me up a bit, but in a good way. The last few weeks, I’ve let my ego get in the way. I have been the big and bad recovering addict. Things are great and I am just fine on my own. Yeah, right. Just because things are going good and I am clicking off the days and weeks in my sobriety, I can not get complacent. Just as soon as I do, my addiction will jump up and bite me on the ass.

Thanks Abbie for pointing that out to me!

I’ve been doing the FaceBook thing for the last few weeks. I had set up a profile back last year sometime and only played around with it a time or two. For some reason a couple of weeks ago, I logged on and was shocked at the number of friend requests that I had. As it stands now, I have reconnected with about two dozen of my high school classmates along with people I haven’t talked to in years. I went to a small school and knew nearly everyone in my graduating class. It just amazes me how much time some people put into updating their status and sending messages back and forth.

For the first few days of being active on FaceBook, I updated my status like 5 or 6 times a day. It was pretty cool in the beginning but as the newness wore off, it seemed pointless to let people know that I had just finished eating supper and had indigestion or I was just waking up and drinking my first cup of coffee.

Tonight I sat down at the computer and went through my usual routine of checking email, looking at to see Sunday’s race lineup and updating my FaceBook status. When I read Abbie’s comments, it dawned on me that I made the time to do something pointless like letting people know that I just got home from work but I couldn’t take 10 minutes to blog.

So I guess I can sum up this rambling in just one word – Priorities.

It goes right back to that ego. I don’t feel the need to blog; to work on my recovery, but I can do something as pointless as let people know my choice of bathroom reading material.

I’m fine. I got this thing beat. Yeah right.

Hang on a second, someone’s tapping me on the shoulder – oh shit, it’s my addiction. I had better get back on track. It doesn’t need to be behind me, it needs to be in front of me so I can keep my eye on it.

Thanks Abbie for hitting me over the head with that ugly 3 letter word. Oh, by the way, I did call my sponsor. He’s getting pretty smart these days. He’s telling me what I need to do and not letting me do what I want.

One a week. That’s my goal. Talk to you all next week.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Life comes at you fast ...

It's been some time since I have posted anything so this will be a 'me, me, me' post.

My not blogging has bothered me. It's part of my recovery, just like meetings and service work. I haven't neglected any of those things but I've not really made time for the blog. Life has been moving so fast lately, I haven't had the time to sit and collect my thoughts. I can remember a time when I was using and it seemed like all I had to do all day long was call my dealer.

These days I don't have time to catch my breath - and I love it!

I've been working a lot (and not just at my job!). Here are a couple of things that I have worked the hardest on:

Working on month 9 of my sobriety!

Working on month 8 of my 12 month rehab program!

My fiance, Les, and I have been working hard on moving forward with our personal lives. We have found our dream apartment and we are trying to come up with plans for our wedding (we are thinking of eloping and having a beach wedding). Our getting married is going to be my graduation present! We are going to start a new life in a new apartment and as husband and wife. That has given me more drive to stay the course in my recovery than anything. Her interest and support in my recovery has been the biggest help. Without a doubt, everyone needs somebody like her in their corner.

There is no way that I could have accomplished all that I have in my personal life - work, money or relationships - if I were still using. Even though I was a 'functional addict', I could not have had anywhere near the clarity or the plain common sense using that crap I was on that I do now.

I may have said this in an earlier blog, but I can remember a time when I would see people going about their business and wonder how they could make it
without using any chemicals to help. Now I wonder how in the hell I ever functioned with the stuff.

My personal life hasn't ever been better than it is right now,


Over the last couple of weeks, I've had a two or three disturbing dreams. In a nutshell, all of them involve some kind of catastrophe - from car wrecks to earthquakes. I usually don't believe in all of that "predicting the future in your dreams" stuff, but I do believe that dreams are usually caused by something in the subconscious. I haven't told anyone about the dreams, but it really has had me thinking lately about how we all live life on a razor's edge - a little to either side and we're done for. I hope that it is nothing, but I can't help having the feeling of waiting on the other shoe to fall.

Maybe it's my subconscious telling me to be careful and that all I have worked so hard to put together can fall apart in an instant if I were to go back to my old habits. I hope that I have finally replaced that little voice that used to tell me "go ahead, one more pill isn't going to hurt anything" with a little voice that says "go ahead, one more pill and you will lose everything!"

I've been there and done that and I sure as hell don't want to go back.