Sunday, February 1, 2009

Life comes at you fast ...

It's been some time since I have posted anything so this will be a 'me, me, me' post.

My not blogging has bothered me. It's part of my recovery, just like meetings and service work. I haven't neglected any of those things but I've not really made time for the blog. Life has been moving so fast lately, I haven't had the time to sit and collect my thoughts. I can remember a time when I was using and it seemed like all I had to do all day long was call my dealer.

These days I don't have time to catch my breath - and I love it!

I've been working a lot (and not just at my job!). Here are a couple of things that I have worked the hardest on:

Working on month 9 of my sobriety!

Working on month 8 of my 12 month rehab program!

My fiance, Les, and I have been working hard on moving forward with our personal lives. We have found our dream apartment and we are trying to come up with plans for our wedding (we are thinking of eloping and having a beach wedding). Our getting married is going to be my graduation present! We are going to start a new life in a new apartment and as husband and wife. That has given me more drive to stay the course in my recovery than anything. Her interest and support in my recovery has been the biggest help. Without a doubt, everyone needs somebody like her in their corner.

There is no way that I could have accomplished all that I have in my personal life - work, money or relationships - if I were still using. Even though I was a 'functional addict', I could not have had anywhere near the clarity or the plain common sense using that crap I was on that I do now.

I may have said this in an earlier blog, but I can remember a time when I would see people going about their business and wonder how they could make it
without using any chemicals to help. Now I wonder how in the hell I ever functioned with the stuff.

My personal life hasn't ever been better than it is right now,


Over the last couple of weeks, I've had a two or three disturbing dreams. In a nutshell, all of them involve some kind of catastrophe - from car wrecks to earthquakes. I usually don't believe in all of that "predicting the future in your dreams" stuff, but I do believe that dreams are usually caused by something in the subconscious. I haven't told anyone about the dreams, but it really has had me thinking lately about how we all live life on a razor's edge - a little to either side and we're done for. I hope that it is nothing, but I can't help having the feeling of waiting on the other shoe to fall.

Maybe it's my subconscious telling me to be careful and that all I have worked so hard to put together can fall apart in an instant if I were to go back to my old habits. I hope that I have finally replaced that little voice that used to tell me "go ahead, one more pill isn't going to hurt anything" with a little voice that says "go ahead, one more pill and you will lose everything!"

I've been there and done that and I sure as hell don't want to go back.


Molls said...

Glad you're back and doing well. My man and I eloped on a beach and it was the best decision we could have made. I highly encourage it!

abbie said...

Dude; I suspect you're just getting some of the "fear of success" dynamic in those dreams. Don't sweat it. It's good that you are considering the 'warning' element, I think. I try to get SOMETHING applicable out of my dreams, b/c I so rarely remember them. But, it does concern me that you hadn't talked to anyone about them. Hello...Sponsor? THAT is something to be aware of, that you (WE) can so easily drift off and suddenly be doing it ourselves. Watch out for that sneaky little EGO. :)
And, btw, you have been missed around here.
BLOG ON, man!